Kim’s Birthday: “Still June”

Today would have been Kim’s 45th birthday. I miss him so much and think about him all the time. I still haven’t accepted he’s really gone even though I know he must be. Even though it’s been over five years, the grief is still so raw I can barely talk about it any more because talking doesn’t help and I feel like everyone must be so tired of hearing about it. Instead, I notice I just keep talking about him constantly like he’s still here.

No matter what time of year it is or what’s going on in the world, my mind and my heart are caught in an endless loop where it’s that one beautiful sunny June day when we were happy and laughing, he kissed me goodbye, got on his bike to go get our Saturday coffee, and never came home. I still believe he’s going to come walking in the door any minute. For me, it’s always still June and I need to be here, waiting, because he will come back for me some day.

So I listen to this song a lot. It’s one of the many songs that fell into my lap after he was gone, always at the time I needed each of them the most. Those songs saved me. I don’t believe any of them were a coincidence.

 

 

“Still June” — Maia Hirasawa

I looked up into the sky
I thought I catched your eye
But you reminded me
You’re nothing to see
But maybe you are wrong
Maybe I could come along
That would be quite fair
When you’re never here and

It should, it should be winter now
But my mind’s still June
And you should, you should have given me wings by now
So I could catch your eye

And I am not alone
I’m here with someone
She never got the chance
And I’ll hate myself for that
‘Cause I have stopped, too
Though some just for a while
Should I be thankful? No
I hate you for that

It should, it should be winter now
But my mind’s still June
And you should, you should have given me wings by now
So I could catch your eye

It should, it should be winter now
But my mind’s still June
And you should, you should have given me wings by now
So I could catch your eye
So I could catch your eye

Posted in Music On The Journey, State Of Being | 1 Comment

Five Years: “Without You”

Five years ago, you walked out the door and never came home. That was the day the world stopped for me.

I am fading away without you.

 

 

“Without You” — Beardfish

Lately the sky has been so foggy
And I know that it’s my time to say I’m sorry
Lately my life has been so lonely
And you’re out there somewhere now
Are you free?
Free…

Please, you say that you are coming home
Please, don’t leave me here alone

I am fading away without you
Fading away without you
Without you, without you…

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Kim’s Birthday: “I’m In Here”

Sick. Depressed. Drained. Been crying most of the week. I’ve slept 36 of the past 42 hours. Today would have been Kim’s 44th birthday. I miss him so much and talk to him every day.

I listen to this a lot. Today, it’s on repeat. I’m hoping he’ll hear and come to help me somehow, even if it’s just in a dream. Maybe if I can just sleep long enough…

 

 

“I’m In Here” — Sia

I’m in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?
I’m in here, a prisoner of history
Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness
I can not live with inside of me

I’m in here, I’m trying to tell you something
Can anybody help?
I’m in here, I’m calling out, but you can’t hear
Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness
I can not live with inside of me

I’m crying out
I’m breaking down
I am feeling it all
Stuck inside these walls
Tell me there is hope for me

Is anybody out there, listening?

Can you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness
I can not live with inside of me

Can you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness
I can not live with inside of me

I’m in here
Can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

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Kim’s Birthday: Tell All My Friends I Have Gone To The Moon

It’s become harder and harder to talk about Kim being gone, so I became aware at some undefinable point that I’ve shifted almost entirely to talking about him as if he’s just around the corner. It’s probably not a good thing, but I don’t care; it’s one of the few quiet lies that has kept me sane. I even talk to him every day, out loud, or make mental notes of things I want to tell him or show him when I see him next, which, in my head, is always going to be in just a few hours. When he comes home.

But then a day comes like today. His birthday.

These sort of days begin creeping into my thoughts weeks ahead of time, making my illusion more and more apparent to myself, making me slip.

Earlier this week, out of nowhere, the memory popped into my head of how we spent our birthdays, just the two of us, having dinner at our favorite restaurant and how afterward we would walk all the way down one side of the street and up the other, many blocks, in the freezing late-night cold, holding hands and looking in the brightly-lit windows of closed shops, telling each other funny stories, laughing.

And it suddenly hit me that we’ll never do that again. Ever. I can see it so clearly, I can see the lights and feel his hand in mine and hear him laugh, but we are NEVER going to do that again.

When that thought hit me, I dropped as all the blood suddenly rushed from my head in this moment, this awful horrible moment when bastard truth rushed in uninvited, punched me in the gut, and told me he was gone.

So on days like today, when the lie doesn’t stick and I know he really is gone, I still try to pretend, but I’m aware of the pretense. Not like other days. I still sit and watch the clock, waiting for him to come home, but today I know it’s a lie. Today I know he won’t.

So today I’ll sit here, watching the clock, watching minutes tick by, sick with truth, and wait for tomorrow.

Posted in Music On The Journey, State Of Being | 4 Comments

The Dog Is Living On Borrowed Time

THIS is about to get throttled within an inch of its life.

Chester

Sure, we look all sweet and cute there, in our happy elf outfit. But that was when we were afraid of getting a lump of coal in our stocking. Now that Christmas is over — and, as you can see, we did NOT get a lump of coal in our stocking — we’re being a very naughty boy. We aren’t even trying to hide it any more.

We are not allowed on the bed. We know this. We know this good and well. We have never been allowed on the bed. And yet…

Whenever she leaves the bedroom, we take that opportunity to jump up on the bed.

So far we have gotten on the bed and:

    … eaten a lethal amount of fudge that she forgot she’d left sitting there when she went in to use the computer. (She had to call the Pet Poison Control Hotline and induce vomiting, which involved a syringe of hydrogen peroxide down the gullet, a vigorous march up and down the street in the snow, and seven projectile barfs. That was fun.)

    … gotten hold of her new stuffed pink unicorn and used it as a chew toy. Twice. (The second time, we carried it in and shook the snot out of it right at her feet. We admit we were particularly stupid that day. But we still had enough time to coat the unicorn with a healthy layer of slobber. Oddly enough, it isn’t as cute as it once was.)

    … eaten an entire bag of caramel corn that she left on the bed when she went into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. (She never learns.)

    … been caught when she was in the bathroom 10 feet away. (We didn’t know she’d be able to see us in the bathroom mirror. Neither did she. She found out that day.)

    … been caught multiple times when she’s run in and surprised us. (What we, being a dog, are too stupid to have figured out is, when we trot through the house our toenails click on the floor. When she hears that clicking stop, she takes off her shoes and creeps to the bedroom to see if we’re on the bed. Most of the time, we are.)

But she really blew her top yesterday when she turned her back for half a second, then turned back around and saw us on the bed. We did it right there. Right in front of her. With her standing in the same room. Geez, you don’t have to scream that loud! I can hear you. You’re RIGHT THERE.

What we don’t know is, very shortly, getting up on the bed is going to become extremely unpleasant. What we don’t know is, the package from Amazon in the living room contains two of these:

Sofa Scram

Hey, huh … does that look kind of like a giant lump of black coal to you?

Anywho, uh-oh, whoops, gotta run! She just caught us up on the bed and she’s screaming again.

Posted in Critters, State Of Being | Tagged | 2 Comments