Violet, Alone

Today would have been Kim’s 45th birthday. I miss him so much and think about him all the time. I still haven’t accepted he’s really gone even though I know he must be. Even though it’s been over five years, the grief is still so raw I can barely talk about it any more because talking doesn’t help and I feel like everyone must be so tired of hearing about it. Instead, I notice I just keep talking about him constantly like he’s still here.

No matter what time of year it is or what’s going on in the world, my mind and my heart are caught in an endless loop where it’s that one beautiful sunny June day when we were happy and laughing, he kissed me goodbye, got on his bike to go get our Saturday coffee, and never came home. I still believe he’s going to come walking in the door any minute. For me, it’s always still June and I need to be here, waiting, because he will come back for me some day.

So I listen to this song a lot. It’s one of the many songs that fell into my lap after he was gone, always at the time I needed each of them the most. Those songs saved me. I don’t believe any of them were a coincidence. look at this site

“Still June” — Maia Hirasawa

I looked up into the sky
I thought I catched your eye
But you reminded me
You’re nothing to see
But maybe you are wrong
Maybe I could come along
That would be quite fair
When you’re never here and

It should, it should be winter now
But my mind’s still June
And you should, you should have given me wings by now
So I could catch your eye

And I am not alone
I’m here with someone
She never got the chance
And I’ll hate myself for that
‘Cause I have stopped, too
Though some just for a while
Should I be thankful? No
I hate you for that

It should, it should be winter now
But my mind’s still June
And you should, you should have given me wings by now
So I could catch your eye

It should, it should be winter now
But my mind’s still June
And you should, you should have given me wings by now
So I could catch your eye
So I could catch your eye

Five years ago, you walked out the door and never came home. That was the day the world stopped for me.

I am fading away without you.

“Without You” — Beardfish

Lately the sky has been so foggy
And I know that it’s my time to say I’m sorry
Lately my life has been so lonely
And you’re out there somewhere now
Are you free?
Free…

Please, you say that you are coming home
Please, don’t leave me here alone

I am fading away without you
Fading away without you
Without you, without you…

Sick. Depressed. Drained. Been crying most of the week. I’ve slept 36 of the past 42 hours. Today would have been Kim’s 44th birthday. I miss him so much and talk to him every day.

I listen to this a lot. Today, it’s on repeat. I’m hoping he’ll hear and come to help me somehow, even if it’s just in a dream. Maybe if I can just sleep long enough…

“I’m In Here” — Sia

I’m in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?
I’m in here, a prisoner of history
Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness
I can not live with inside of me

I’m in here, I’m trying to tell you something
Can anybody help?
I’m in here, I’m calling out, but you can’t hear
Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness
I can not live with inside of me

I’m crying out
I’m breaking down
I am feeling it all
Stuck inside these walls
Tell me there is hope for me

Is anybody out there, listening?

Can you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness
I can not live with inside of me

Can you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness
I can not live with inside of me

I’m in here
Can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

It’s become harder and harder to talk about Kim being gone, so I became aware at some undefinable point that I’ve shifted almost entirely to talking about him as if he’s just around the corner. It’s probably not a good thing, but I don’t care; it’s one of the few quiet lies that has kept me sane. I even talk to him every day, out loud, or make mental notes of things I want to tell him or show him when I see him next, which, in my head, is always going to be in just a few hours. When he comes home.

But then a day comes like today. His birthday.

These sort of days begin creeping into my thoughts weeks ahead of time, making my illusion more and more apparent to myself, making me slip.

Earlier this week, out of nowhere, the memory popped into my head of how we spent our birthdays, just the two of us, having dinner at our favorite restaurant and how afterward we would walk all the way down one side of the street and up the other, many blocks, in the freezing late-night cold, holding hands and looking in the brightly-lit windows of closed shops, telling each other funny stories, laughing.

And it suddenly hit me that we’ll never do that again. Ever. I can see it so clearly, I can see the lights and feel his hand in mine and hear him laugh, but we are NEVER going to do that again.

When that thought hit me, I dropped as all the blood suddenly rushed from my head in this moment, this awful horrible moment when bastard truth rushed in uninvited, punched me in the gut, and told me he was gone.

So on days like today, when the lie doesn’t stick and I know he really is gone, I still try to pretend, but I’m aware of the pretense. Not like other days. I still sit and watch the clock, waiting for him to come home, but today I know it’s a lie. Today I know he won’t.

So today I’ll sit here, watching the clock, watching minutes tick by, sick with truth, and wait for tomorrow.