Happy Birthday, Mom: “Hallelujah”

“Hallelujah” was my mom’s favorite song in the world. I knew it had to be included at her memorial service. I had originally hoped the choir at her church could sing it. I spent hours hunting down and printing out sheet music and lyrics and sending MP3s of my mom’s favorite versions to the choir director and pianist for reference, but unfortunately despite our best efforts, both of them ended up having to go out of town until just before the memorial, so the choir was never able to practice or learn it. [Because some of the lyrics were inappropriate — such as “All I’ve ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you” — none of the popular recordings could be used.] The only solution was for me to do it myself. Pastor wanted me to sing it live, but I knew there was NO way I could manage that. So I recorded it, including new lyrics to fill in for the ones that were taken out. Since Leonard Cohen often adds new lyrics and rarely performs the song the same way twice, I felt he would have given his blessing.

It wasn’t the best recording I could have done — it’s the only recording I could do. After an hour of trying to get past the first two lines without breaking down and sobbing, it was the first take I was able to get through, so after choking it out I made no more attempts. The fact that I was able to get it out at all was a miracle.

The first two verses are standard. The third has slightly altered lyrics and was my personal message to my mother. The fourth and fifth verses contain altered and new lyrics; I don’t believe I wrote any of the words in the last two verses myself — I honestly believe my mother was speaking through me. They contain the final message she wanted me to pass on to everyone who knew her. I tried to be strong singing them, for her, but I think it’s obvious they were the hardest to get through.

Today would have been my mother’s 77th birthday. I have never shared this song publicly apart from the day it was played at her memorial. I want to share it here today.

Mums, wherever you are, I know you can hear this. Happy Birthday. I love you.

[I had just finished writing this and was getting ready to post it when I suddenly had to rush my sweet rat, Cupid, to the vet to be euthanized. He’s been very sick the past few weeks and had lost the use of his hind legs. Today he would not eat at all and I could tell he was in great distress. Rats can’t be euthanized the way other animals are; their veins are too small to inject the euthanasia solution intravenously, so the shot has to be given in the abdomen, which means it takes a while to work. He was put under total sedation prior, so he didn’t feel a thing and he was unconscious from there on out. It took about an hour for his heart to stop. I held him as he slipped away. He was snuggled in his soft warm blanket and I sang “Moon River” to him over and over to carry him on his journey. It was very gentle and peaceful. Mom will be happy to see him arrive at the Rainbow Bridge on her birthday. I know she and Kim will take care of him until the day I join them myself. But for me, left here, it’s just one more heartbreak in a long seemingly endless line. I am so tired and weary and drained.]

(If that doesn’t work, you can listen here.)

“Hallelujah” — Violet Xoxox

1. I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do ya?
It goes like this: the fourth, the fifth,
The minor chord, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Chrous: Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

2. Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

3. Throughout my life you let me know
What’s real and going on below
But now you never show that to me, do ya?
Remember when I moved in you?
The Holy Ghost was moving, too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

4. I know there is a God above
And everything I learned of love
Was brought into my life because I knew ya
Just know that when you cry at night
He holds your hand, He shines a light
To ease your broken hearts with Hallelujah

5. I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool ya
Though it may seem it all went wrong
I stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah…