The Dog Is Living On Borrowed Time

THIS is about to get throttled within an inch of its life.

Sure, we look all sweet and cute there, in our happy elf outfit. But that was when we were afraid of getting a lump of coal in our stocking. Now that Christmas is over — and, as you can see, we did NOT get a lump of coal in our stocking — we’re being a very naughty boy. We aren’t even trying to hide it any more.

We are not allowed on the bed. We know this. We know this good and well. We have never been allowed on the bed. And yet…

Whenever she leaves the bedroom, we take that opportunity to jump up on the bed.

So far we have gotten on the bed and:

… eaten a lethal amount of fudge that she forgot she’d left sitting there when she went in to use the computer. (She had to call the Pet Poison Control Hotline and induce vomiting, which involved a syringe of hydrogen peroxide down the gullet, a vigorous march up and down the street in the snow, and seven projectile barfs. That was fun.)

… gotten hold of her new stuffed pink unicorn and used it as a chew toy. Twice. (The second time, we carried it in and shook the snot out of it right at her feet. We admit we were particularly stupid that day. But we still had enough time to coat the unicorn with a healthy layer of slobber. Oddly enough, it isn’t as cute as it once was.)

… eaten an entire bag of caramel corn that she left on the bed when she went into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. (She never learns.)

… been caught when she was in the bathroom 10 feet away. (We didn’t know she’d be able to see us in the bathroom mirror. Neither did she. She found out that day.)

… been caught multiple times when she’s run in and surprised us. (What we, being a dog, are too stupid to have figured out is, when we trot through the house our toenails click on the floor. When she hears that clicking stop, she takes off her shoes and creeps to the bedroom to see if we’re on the bed. Most of the time, we are.)

But she really blew her top yesterday when she turned her back for half a second, then turned back around and saw us on the bed. We did it right there. Right in front of her. With her standing in the same room. Geez, you don’t have to scream that loud! I can hear you. You’re RIGHT THERE.

What we don’t know is, very shortly, getting up on the bed is going to become extremely unpleasant. What we don’t know is, the package from Amazon in the living room contains two of these:

Hey, huh … does that look kind of like a giant lump of black coal to you?

Anywho, uh-oh, whoops, gotta run! She just caught us up on the bed and she’s screaming again.