Beginning

I’ve wanted to have a place I could work through thoughts since Kim and my mom died, but seeing as how just getting out of bed each day was challenging, it took me a while to get around to it. So instead, I’m starting this journal at a monumental time, a time I’ve been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading for the past eleven months…. 

I’m getting ready to go on my annual trip to Tahoe alone, without Kim for the first time. May 9th is the big day. Saying it’s going be hard — both emotionally and physically — is putting it mildly.

I’ve been worried enough about whether I can handle the driving on my own. (Kim always did all the driving when we were there, and some days in the car were long, sometimes as much as 10 hours, because we always stopped and piddled in various special spots along the way.) I’ve been worried I might get there and completely fall apart. I’ve been worried my CFIDS might make me too sick to get myself back home. I’ve been worried my car might break down in a deserted spot and I’ll be eaten by bears. I’ve been worried about leaving my animals for two weeks, especially Chester The Dog.

When my mom was killed, and then again when Kim was killed, I thought I would become fearless. I didn’t think there was anything left to fear, because I had already lost everything that was most important to me. But instead, I became more afraid than ever. Of EVERYTHING. When I mentioned this frustration to Kim, shortly before he died, he said, “Maybe nothing will ever change that. Maybe you will always be afraid, because you know you can never really control anything.” But I really thought I’d suddenly have this big balls-out skydiving-without-a-parachute feeling that nothing could ever get me now, because I’d already been gotten as good as I could get, and I’d turn into some sort of brave superhero.

I want to feel that, dammit!

I came down with something earlier in the week. At first, I hoped it was just a rough CFIDS day, but it became apparent it was something more. I think it’s another respiratory infection. Great. Now I’m even more afraid of managing the driving on my own. It wouldn’t be bad if it were just fever and chills, but it’s also severe stomach upset and nausea (the acid, oh my god!), crushing headaches, and dizziness.

I was planning to spend this week packing in bits and pieces, so it wouldn’t be a mad dash the day before as it’s been in past years, but haven’t been able to do any of it. Now I’m in full panic mode. I keep telling myself if I have to go unwashed and wearing dirty clothes for two weeks, oh well … it’s not like there’s going to be anyone around to notice.